SO EXCITED

Ruy just planned the best gift ever for me. BACKGROUNDER: Every Friday at around 9p.m. there's a fireworks display here in Eastwood. When it starts I'm the first one to close all the lights, run to the window and jump up and down. I like fireworks, I like new year, I like beatiful colors in the sky...with that being said, let's go back to Ruy's gift.

Ruy got reservations for us to go to this place with the best view of the first ever FIREWORKS OLYMPICS!!! Wow!! I'm so excited. Hell, I didn't even know that there was such an event, grabeh the research and the preparation that he went through for this is amazing. I'm so happy!!

Finally!

Our longest and most difficult tampuhan is finally over. WE'RE OKAY!! I'm so happy, not simply because things are okay, but because I'm so sure that we are going to be better after this. As cliche as it may sound, I truly believe that these fights are giving us tools that we could use in the future.

That being said, I would still rather keep the fights to a minimum. They're emotionally exhausting!!

Trying to Convince Myself

Aaaaaaargh, I hate myself for taking too long to get over this issue with Ruy. It's been 10 days since the incident. Ruy has apologized profusely, he's been more than wonderful since that time yet I'm still not okay.

I don't know why, but the incident is still so fresh in my mind. It's weird, everytime I remember what he said I feel like a cold bucket of water was poured over my head. Then I feel numb...then I can't bring myself to say "I Love You".

Poor Ruy

Why not now?

I was talking or rather whining to my friend Kresta about the expenses of getting married. When she asked the oh-so-important question, "Why are you getting married now? Why not wait a couple more years when you're satisfied with all your material possessions and you wouldn't mind spending on the wedding?"

My first reaction was "Do people ever really get satisfied?", people are essentially greedy (bear with my screwed-up way of thinking, remember I'm a Freudian trained psychologist people) and would end up wanting more and more. If I wait till Ruy and I have bought all the things we want then we'll never get married.

It only dawned on me now that I am already at that point where I am actually satisfied. When Ruy was asking me what Christmas gift I would want, I told him that no material thing turns me one right now. Nothing excites me (not even make-up!). I told Ruy I would just want to go anywhere far with him, just a quiet trip somewhere...anywhere.

I admit, the enormous responsibility of marriage scares me sometimes. The never ending saving for something, the bills, the taxes, the caring for someone else 24/7. But then, isn't that so much better than an aimlessly spending, tax-evading, and solitary existence? (yes people I am obsessed with taxes, I pay 32% every month so I have every right to obsess).

I tease my colleague that the only reason why I'm getting married is for tax purposes. That's not exactly 100% true, I also see marriage as a life-long project. For once in my life, every single thing will be up to me and my husband. The decisions, the triumphs, the mistakes, I can own it all.

I asked Ruy why he wants to get married and this is what he said :

Why not now? Are we sure we'll be alive then? Are we sure no kind of temptations are going to come and make us commit a stupid relationship-ending misjudgement? Are we certain our loved ones will be there to witness the day of our lives? We're sure now that we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together and its not like were being impetuous about it since we've planned for more than a year.

I think his explanation is better than mine. The next time anyone asks me this question I'm just going to tell them "Talk to Ruy instead."

I Hate it When he's Right

"Honey are you pms-ing again?", this comment really ticked me off a couple of days ago. Is this his oh-so-subtle way of saying that I'm being a bitch? Furthermore, IF I was being a bitch, why should it be automatically blamed on raging hormones? Why doesn't he ever consider the fact that maybe, just maybe, he really did something wrong which warrants my anger?

Why is it that when I'm upset, people automatically assume that I'm being unreasonable? Being illogical? The last time Ruy and I broke up (this was around 2 years ago)my grandmother asked me "Why? What did you do?". Can you imagine? The nerve, the audacity of this people! I am not a bitch just because I want to be a bitch, there's always a reason why I lash out on people.

So what is the reason why I'm being a bitch now?...I'm pms-ing, Ruy's right again. DAMN IT!

RANDOM

Ruy has chosen the ring design that he wants. I was so happy because it's the same design that I wanted for him as well. I find the ring so masculine...HOT!




Isn't it bizarre that the 3 jewelers I talked to all gave me quotes wherein Ruy's ring would cost more than mine? Ruy deserves the treat, my gown is going to cost so much more than his suit or barong anyway. But he better take good care of it. If he loses it I'll wring his neck...honestly.

As for my ring, I'm still pretty much undecided. Here are my short-listed designs.



I'm torn between the baguette cut sapphire and the asymmetrical style. Choices, choices!

Meanwhile Ruy and I are just recovering from the biggest fight we've ever had! Actually when you think about it, it's not really a fight. It's actually just me being very very very upset. Ruy said something very insensitive that I can't even write here. Honestly I was talking to Carmi and I think that's possibly the meanest thing that anyone has ever said to me. But then, how can you blame someone for telling the truth?

Things are a bit better now, I cried every night for 4 days. Last night, I didn't. I still can't say I love you or I miss you, or anything like that. But I think I'll get there soon.

Despite this, the wedding preps is still going strong. Ruy has been unbelievably involved. Dorothy (a common friend of ours) said:

Livi, think of it this way. If Ruy didn't think you were wonderful. Why would he be marrying you? If he really thought there's something wrong, why would he be rushing to marry you? He can't wait to make you his, that's why! And the fact that he got you flowers for the wedding? That's a sign!How sweet is that? He's letting you know he can't wait

What was that about? Well Ruy surprised me with a mock-up of my bridal bouquet last Sunday. He insisted on picking me and my aunt up from 168 and he gave me the bouquet and said something like "Please don't change your mind about marrying me?"...yeah yeah it's sweet I know. =)

The most important detail

This has been the hardest decision ever. Ruy has already allowed me to have an eternity wedding band, but somehow I'm not satisfied with it yet. I went online to try to find some rings that are not so boring.



I am toying with the idea of putting colored stones on my wedding band. So far, none of the wedding bands appeal to me, I wonder if there is a superstition against this? I'm not really superstitious but I'd rather not take chances on my marriage.



Here are other designs that slightly interest me, but honestly nothing excites me. Also, is it important that Ruy and I have the same design?

Negative First Anniversary

Oh my God, this is it, the one year mark. Finally people will stop telling me "You're preparing too early" or "Tagal pa yan, mashado ka namang excited!".

One year for me is a very short time, after all just a year ago Ruy and I were still fighting about this wedding. I also wasn't officially engaged, I didn't have my engagement ring, we had a different wedding date and we weren't sure about the church.

Now, 365 days after, everything is set and final. It will be in the church Ruy always wanted, on the date I chose.

There are things we still need to accomplish a.s.a.p.

- We need to organize the pamamanhikan soon.
- Ruy needs to be confirmed
- File leaves

My Jr. Bridesmaid