Low Self-Esteem

People might find it hard to believe but I actually have problems with low self esteem. This is the reason why I normally keep quiet, I don't approach people I don't know, I don't like meeting people when I'm not wearing my make-up, why I refused to pose for our company banner, why I refused to appear on a TV show with my boss. I don't like people staring at me, looking at me, etc.

When I was a kid growing up in Marikina (which was practically a province) the situation was pretty bad. People would go as far as point me out to their friends cause I didn't look like a typical Filipina or at least not the typical Filipina around my area. I don't look better or worse, just different, and when things are different you look and stare, just like what you do in the zoo or in freakshows. Sometimes I want to shout at them and tell them "HELLO!! I can see you staring! I can see you pointing and I can hear what you're saying."

The situation got a lot better when I went to college. I wasn't so different when I was in Ateneo, there were a lot of half-breeds like me and basically people just didn't care about us. =) I enjoyed the anonimity and the fact that I can blend in without any problem.

Now that the looking different issue has been resolved, another issue arose. So I don't look different, what sets me apart then? What's so special and so great about me? I still don't know the answer to this question. This is why I'm perplexed when I see how into me Ruy is. I'm confused as to what he sees, I often wonder "BAKIT? Why me?"

A few minutes ago, after talking with Ruy over the mobile phone we had another exchange through text.

RUY: Honey you're making me so happy. Thank you so much! :-)
LIV: Huh? What did I do?
RUY: I don't know you're just awesome!
LIV: Wow naman
RUY: wow nga! wanna know who got booted out of idol?

So now, I'm confused once again, What did I do?